


Sonder

by dr_reidsanchorsocks



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Murder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, GN!READER, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Hurt/Comfort, I swear, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Physical Abuse, Smoking, Wait this sounds so sad, it does get happier, no beta we die like haley, rated teen for the abuse aspects and case violence, uhh i dunno what else to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28785414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr_reidsanchorsocks/pseuds/dr_reidsanchorsocks
Summary: sonder[sohn-der](n.)the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own//Reader is in an abusive relationship. They've accepted their life and the treatment they receive. Maybe once Y/N joins the BAU things will change. Maybe all Y/N needs is a little bit of love and some good people in their life. Maybe Dr.. Spencer Reid can help with that.
Relationships: Reader/Original Male Character(s), Spencer Reid & Reader, Spencer Reid/Reader, Spencer Reid/You
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	1. love is a tower

**Author's Note:**

> heyyy so ik i said i was gonna update deprived and i havent yet but ive been having some writers block and did this to clear my head!! the next chapter of deprived should be up soon but i will make no promises. this fic is just gonna be for fun so dont expect super regular updates, but i wont b abandoning this fic!! im writing the second chapter rn since this is more of an introduction but i hope u like!! follow me on tumblr if u wanna hear me scream abt cm!! [@reidsmissmatchedsocks](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/reidsmissmatchedsocks)
> 
> also!! heres the aesthetic im going for w y/n 

You didn’t go outside much anymore. Not that you exactly minded, you had been quite overwhelmed with work lately, getting a promotion within the Crimes Against Children unit of the FBI. Of course, work wasn’t really the reason for your vitamin D deficiency but that didn’t concern anyone else. Well, anyone but Andrew. You two were quickly approaching the 3-year mark of your relationship. If anyone asked, you’d say it’s been 3 years of bliss. The best years of your life. _You were glad no one ever questioned further. You were glad you’d learned which brand sold the best concealer before you met Andrew. You were glad he’d not proposed yet, despite having been together longer than anyone else in your life. Maybe you still had a chance._ But then again, you were nothing without him. Maybe marriage would be a good thing.

Sometimes you felt like one of the criminals you’d sent to prison. The only difference was you weren’t quite sure what you were being punished for. Maybe that was the biggest crime of all. 

When you did leave the house, it was almost always for work. Andrew allowed you to go to work each day under the rule that you would call him at least 3 times while at Quantico and every 2 hours if you were out of the city. Some people would call that excessive, but you understood why he had to do it. Without him you were practically useless, so it only made sense to do everything he wanted in order to keep him from leaving. He just wanted to make sure you were safe.

Going anywhere outside of work was practically unheard of for you, but _here you are._ You tried to ignore the anxiety bubbling in your stomach from lying to Andrew, but it was a losing battle. It wasn’t like you were doing anything _bad_ per se. And technically it wasn’t even a lie! You were going to the library for god’s sake, not a club! And it was _for_ work, just not necessarily _at_ work. You were trying to find a specific book that was referenced in a series of online messages between a pedophile ring in order to figure out the code they used to set up meets. You were the only one available to try and find the book, so you decided to go during your lunch break. The only problem with this was that you hadn’t asked Andrew if it was okay to go. It wasn’t like he’d say no, but it really couldn’t wait, and you didn’t wanna spend an hour on the phone trying to persuade him to let you go to a library 5 minutes away. God he was gonna be so mad once he realized what you did. You could already hear him yelling, spit flying onto your face as you tried desperately to explain yourself. Pushing the thoughts down, you quickly walked to your car and started to drive.

When you arrived at the library a few minutes later you were desperate for a smoke. The anxiety you were feeling earlier had only increased by the minute and you were seconds from hyperventilating. _Rationally, you knew this was a problem. You weren’t stupid, you knew that you shouldn’t be on the edge of a panic attack from going to a place that your boyfriend hadn’t approved. But fear is much stronger than logic in your mind._ You decided that it wouldn’t hurt to have a smoke, reasoning that it would relax you a bit. Opening your car door, you grabbed your bag and pulled out your pack of cigs. You leaned against the wall of the library to light up, inhaling as soon as you put away your lighter. Relief washed over you and you didn’t notice the door opening up a few feet away, nor the man who walked out. You jumped when suddenly someone started speaking to you.

“You know on average smokers die 10 years sooner than non-smokers.” You turned to your left, facing the man who interrupted you from your cigarette. You recognized him but couldn’t quite place his face, you were always better with names. Rolling your eyes, you took another drag and scoffed.

“What? Are you a doctor or something?” You were unsure why anyone else would give unsolicited medical facts outside a library to a _random_ person.

“Yeah actually, I am. Not that kind though.” You smiled as he shifted awkwardly, carrying a large number of books in his arms. You wondered if they were getting tired.

“Well doc, I’m quite aware of the negative effects of smoking. I’ve been doing it 15 years. Thanks for the warning though.” You chuckled as his eyebrows went up, but he didn’t leave. Continuing to stand uncomfortably close to you. You just took another drag.

“15? Really?” _Did this guy ever let up?_

“Yup.” You popped the “p”, hoping it’d let your exasperation show. Apparently it didn’t as he continued to stand beside you and scrunch his nose as the smoke swirled around your head.

“You don’t look very old.” You couldn’t help but smile at the confusion in his voice.

“I’m 28.” His eyebrows furrow and you can’t seem to take your eyes off of them. You can almost feel the moment it processed in his head that you’d been smoking since you were 13. You weren’t really sure why you were still indulging this conversation, but you figured you might as well finish your cigarette.

“Oh. Have you ever tried to quit?” You scoff again, not in a mean way, you’re just surprised he has to ask.

“What do you think, doc?” He puffs up his lips and you can tell he’s probably realizing it’s a stupid question.

“You know you’ll probably die of a disease related to smoking cigarettes if you don’t quit.” You take your final drag and let out a huff. You can barely contain a smile at the absolute absurdity of this conversation. Who the hell walks up to a random person outside a library and tells them they’re gonna die early because of a cigarette? 

You drop the cigarette to the ground and stomp in under your boot. Smirking, you walk past him. “Maybe that’s the goal.” You ignore his face as you step inside the library, heading to the back. You almost don’t notice it but the heaviness in your chest from earlier seemed to have lightened at some point in the last few minutes. You can almost ignore the feeling of dread in your stomach. _Almost._


	2. eternal shotgun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N deals with the consequences of their outing at lunch. They finally figure out where they recognized the Doc from. 
> 
> //
> 
> TW!!  
> \- mention of murder, pedophilia and human trafficking in the context of a case  
> \- references to verbal and physical abuse  
> \- implied alcoholism and nicotine addiction
> 
> none of these things are graphic but if you do not wish to read this for any reason dont feel obliged whatsoever!! do whats good for u :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo im back and i wrote this chapter way quicker than i thought i was going to. this chapter is like 2.5k which will probably b the average chapter length for this fic. also i forgot to metion but it takes place in like season 9 at some point. uhhh i dunno what to say rlly, im not in love with this chapter but its still more of an introductory chapter. its also 4am rn so it may not even make sense i have no idea. alsoo the name of the last chapter is from the song christmas kids by roar, and this chapter is also named from a song so lmk if u know what song that is!! kudos/comments are always appreciated and if you want to listen to me ramble abt cm feel free to follow me on tumblr [@reidsmissmatchedsocks](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/reidsmissmatchedsocks) :) thanks for reading!!

You could hear your heartbeat as you walked inside the apartment you called home, locking the door behind you. The smell of pasta was coming from the kitchen, Andrew must be cooking. That was never a good sign. He always cooked when he was angry or upset. It was his biggest tell, just as yours was the itch for another cigarette between your lips, begging you to give in and ease some of your stress. Andrew didn’t allow you to smoke inside the house though, so you ignored the craving and walked further into your place, towards the kitchen to the left.

“Y/N, you’re home.” His voice was calm, no inflection. _Threatening._ You pulled off your jacket and bag, hanging them on the hook at the corner of the room, taking a few deep breaths to control your breathing. It was better if you showed the least emotion possible, lest you lash out or talk back to him.

“Yeah, babe. What’re you cooking? Smells good!” You forced a smile onto your face as you walked into the kitchen. The lights tinted the white walls a yellowish colour and you could faintly smell a candle behind the savoury aroma of vegetarian lasagna. You walked over to the table and sat down, careful to not say anything that could set him off.

You watched quietly as Andrew cut into the dish and plated it. He always cooked, saying you were useless in a kitchen, practically turning anything edible into poison. You decided it’d be best to stay away from anything food related. He liked his space while preparing the ingredients anyways, and you always got in the way. You tried to let the familiar smells wash over you, hoping to bring an ounce of comfort as you prepared yourself for the argument that was bound to happen soon. You tensed up when he brought your plate over, setting it in front of you and pouring some red wine in your glass. You couldn’t help but wish for something _much_ stronger as you took a sip, trying desperately to restrain yourself from chugging the whole glass. You weren’t that stupid though, even if it’d be easier to deal with your current emotions drunk. 

Andrew sat across from you at your small circular table. He met your eyes and you looked away, turning your head down.

“Y/N,” his tone was demanding as he spoke, but you could tell there was a _smile_ on his face. 

“Y/N, look at me.” You brought your head back up, his eyes catching yours. You could feel your eyes water as fear swelled up in your chest. You didn’t dare look away.

“I got a notification today at lunch. Do you know why I got a notification?” You knew better than to speak, choosing instead to nod your head. Lying would only make the situation worse. He took a bite of his food, keeping his eyes directly on yours. Your arms felt bolted to your sides, hands rested gently in your lap. You struggled to maintain eye contact as he chewed with his mouth open, loudly, enunciating each mastication. The sound made your skin crawl, goosebumps appearing on your arms as you fought the urge to shiver.

“It said you left work. For an _hour_ , to go to some library, without _my permission._ He hissed the last two words, making you flinch heavily in your seat. You could feel your heart in your chest and willed the unpleasant thumping to go away. You _knew_ this had been coming but you were stupid enough to go and do it anyway. There was a tracking app on your phone that Andrew set up that notified him whenever you went to a “restricted zone”, which was anywhere aside from work, the grocery store and home – unless you were out of the city for a case where he turned off the restricted areas. He knew you were far too anxious with your job to ever leave your phone behind to go somewhere so he always knew exactly where you were. You knew it was for your own safety but sometimes you wished you could just go to a library without making it a whole thing. Though you weren’t obtuse enough to think this part of your relationship would ever change. Every couple had compromises.

“I’m sorry Andrew, it was for work and no one else there could go. I didn’t have enough time –“ He cut you off abruptly as you tried to explain yourself.

“What? You didn’t have enough time to call me and ask if you could go? Y/N, out of anyone, with your job you should know you can’t do that! You work for the FBI, someone could’ve killed you and that would be _my fault_ because I couldn’t keep _my_ useless bitch in check for 10 goddamn _fucking_ minutes!” The tears pricking your eyes had started to fall but you didn’t look away. _You should’ve chugged the wine while you had the chance._ You hated when he yelled, it reminded you of your mom. Of course, you knew Andrew wouldn’t have to yell if you could just follow his rules. This was all your fault.

Andrew stood up and you were terrified. You were shaking as he stepped closer and closer to where you were sat, still looking directly into his eyes, far too scared to defy another order. You could smell his cologne as he stood in front of you. You felt sick.

You knew tensing made it hurt more so you took a deep breath and relaxed. It would be over before you know it. Somehow the words always hurt the most.

You were sat on the floor of the bathroom. The shower was still running, you neglected to turn it back off once you got out. Your wet hair was dripping onto the tile floor. There was a towel a few feet away, but you didn’t wanna move yet. It was cold in the bathroom. You were naked and had opened the window so you could smoke in the room. You’d also taken the bottle of wine with you, praying you’d turn into either Jesus or Dionysius by the morning so Andrew wouldn’t notice the missing bottle from your cupboard. You weren’t very optimistic.

You were basking in the headrush and tipsiness you were feeling, trying to ignore the thoughts that _maybe_ this wasn’t a healthy relationship you were in. The buzzing of your skin replaced the dull ache of your neck and face, and you hoped the swelling would go down by the morning seeing as it was currently a Thursday evening and you had to work tomorrow. _You should’ve just called him._ You took another drag, followed by a swig. The words he said to you were echoing around in your head. _“Useless bitch”, “pathetic whore”, “you’re good for nothing, I don’t even know why I keep you around at this point.”_ You let out a choked sob, but your eyes remained dry. You must’ve cried yourself out in the shower. 

As you stubbed out the butt of your dart on the carton and grabbed a new one to light up, you thought of the conversation you’d had earlier with the man outside the library. You still couldn’t quite place his face, but he seemed kind. You wondered if he’d gotten to reading any of those books he was carrying yet. You couldn’t help but smile at the thought of his expressive eyebrows and the way his voice went up every time he listed off a fact. You liked the sound of his voice. 

Inhaling deeply, you thought about what he’d told you. “Ten years early,” you whispered to yourself before huffing out a weak laugh. You almost hoped it’d be sooner. Maybe it would be with your job. Andrew had a point, out of anyone, you certainly knew how quickly a life could be taken from a person. The thought of Andrew made you take another long drink from the bottle of red sat beside you. He was probably asleep by now in your guys’ bed. You already knew the door to the bedroom would be locked, leaving you the couch. It always hurt your back but honestly you preferred it when he locked you out of the room. You weren’t sure you’d be able to contain your fear of being that close to him just yet. Of course, you knew you’d have to get over yourself by the morning, but that’s what the wine was for. _God, you were not looking forward to going to work with a hangover._ You decided not to think about that just yet and lit another cigarette. At this rate, your chain-smoking would drain the rest of your pack by the time you went to bed. You couldn’t really bring yourself to care though.

After a few more minutes, you were able to convince yourself to move enough to turn off the shower – which had long run cold – and grab your towel. You could feel your hair start to freeze from the cold air. Thankfully, the alcohol had done a good job at warming up the rest of your body. However, you were starting to feel a bit nauseous, you hadn’t realized but you’d missed lunch and dinner and drinking on an empty stomach when you had to wake up at 5am wasn’t exactly a good idea. _Fuck. You better not have to stay home tomorrow. Then you can’t use the excuse of working late to get away from Andrew._ You felt a pang of guilt as you quickly chided yourself for wanting to get away from your boyfriend. You _loved_ Andrew. And he loved you. You drank until you felt dizzy.

It was 11pm by the time you stumbled out of the bathroom and onto the living room couch. You were properly wasted and smelled like an ashtray. Thankfully, you left before Andrew even got up in the mornings so he wouldn’t be there to tell you how much of a disappointment you were. You threw the empty wine bottle in the recycling, not bothering to hide it. He’d notice regardless and you couldn’t really bring yourself to care. Andrew was quite talented in the way he could always find something you did wrong to be pissed about. If it wasn’t the wine bottle it’d be the way you folded the laundry, or the brand of food you bought, or spending too much time at work, or wasting money on smokes. At least this way you were asking for it. 

You hadn’t bothered to brush your teeth and your mouth tasted foul, but it was a good distraction. The icky-ness of it allowed you to get out of your head long enough to drift into a semi-restful sleep. You dreamt of libraries, and of a doctor with captivating idiosyncrasies you couldn’t quite get out of your head. And not once did you dream of Andrew.

You awoke to your phone alarm blaring loudly beside you. _You felt like actual death._ It was five in the morning and you were hungover, tired, sore, and smelled gross. You lugged yourself back into the shower, almost crying of relief as the hot water poured over your aching body. Sleeping on the couch definitely _did not_ help with your general crappiness. You brushed your teeth after getting out of the shower, happy to get rid of the taste of bad wine and cheap cigarettes. Looking into the mirror, you cringed at your appearance. The swelling of your face and neck had thankfully gone down quite a bit, but the bruises were nasty. You dug out your foundation, concealer, and powder from the drawer above the sink cabinet and went to work. Hopefully, you’d manage to make yourself presentable enough for work within the next 20 minutes. 

A half an hour later you were dressed and heading out the door. You were able to cover up the bruises successfully and they were practically invisible. You still felt like shit but the coffee you were currently drowning yourself in, combined with the aspirin you took was making you feel marginally better. You clipped your ID onto the pocket of your blazer and stepped into your car, double checking you had everything you needed. After you were sure you started to drive.

You stopped for a quick smoke break once you arrived before heading inside. The bright fluorescent lights were doing nothing to help your headache, but you ignored it, walking up the stairs to your level and heading into the bullpen. You liked working in the CAC division of the FBI but the current case you were on was grueling. You were desperately trying to find the head of an online pedophile ring before more children could be sold and never seen from again. You’d seen far to many pictures and videos of scared, helpless children, and you so badly wanted to find the monster who was behind all of it and make him fry. The book you’d gotten the day prior would hopefully help to do that.

Stepping into your office you were greeted by a familiar face.

“Aaron Hotchner, to what do I owe the pleasure.” You smiled as you shook his hand. His lips turned up, though much more reserved.

“Y/N L/N, as much as I’d like to say I’m happy to see you, the circumstances are quite unfortunate. Why don’t you take a seat, I have something I’d like to show you.” 

You could feel the dread pile up in your stomach as he showed you the case file on his tablet.

“As you know, at the BAU it’s our job to handle possible serial killers. At first these two cases weren’t connected as they took place over state lines, but it’s come to our attention that we may be dealing with a possible preferential offender.” You tried to contain your response as pictures of two boys’ corpses showed up on the screen. Those two boys were Richard Goldfield and Anthony Miller, victims of the pedophile ring that had been sold just 3 weeks ago. _Oh God._

“Richard and Anthony.” You sighed deeply as you read the ME’s report. Signs of sexual abuse and torture. COD was exsanguination from multiple stab wounds in each boy’s chest. They were only 13.

“Yes. They were found 4 days ago in Atlanta. Our technical analyst was able to connect them to the pedophile ring you’re working currently, and we believe whoever bought those boys is our unsub. We’d like to work with you on this case and hopefully find the unsub and take down the rest of the people involved.” You nodded and slid the tablet back to Agent Hotchner.

“Of course. I can introduce you to the agents on my team most familiar with this case. I truly believe we’re close to a breakthrough and with your team and resources we will catch these men.” Both of you stood up, shaking hands again.

“I have two members of my team standing by. I’d like to introduce you to them as well and hopefully get right in. It’s only a matter of time before this unsub kills again.”

“I agree.” You both walked out of your office into the bullpen. Hotch waving over two agents. 

“Agent Y/N Y/L/N, I’d like you to meet Agent Alex Blake, and Dr. Spencer Reid.” You looked up only to realize – _oh shit. So that’s where I know him from._ You shook Agent Blake’s hand and gave the Doc a wave. You couldn’t help but smile as you saw his face twist in recognition. The smile he returned gave you butterflies in your stomach. _God, this was gonna be a long case._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloo so i hoped u liked this chapter and thanks for reading!! there will b much more spencer in the next chapter and the rest of the team!! kudos/comments are always welcome along w any and all feedback, and as always, for more cm ramblings follow my tumblr [@reidsmissmatchedsocks](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/reidsmissmatchedsocks) !! :)

**Author's Note:**

> hoped u liked this and where its going!! dont worry, y/n will b meeting with the doc again soon. comments/kudos/subs are greatly appreciated!! and ofc check out my tumblr if u like to hear ppl scream abt criminal minds :) [@reidsmissmatchedsocks](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/reidsmissmatchedsocks)
> 
> (lemme know if any of u know what song the chapter title is from)


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